Steps to Forgiveness and Healing
Forgiveness is one of the hardest gifts we will ever give, and one of the most important, because the person who receives it most is you. If you have been carrying hurt, anger, or resentment, this is your invitation to set it down and start walking toward healing.
What Forgiveness Is (and What It Isn’t)
Forgiveness is a conscious decision to release resentment and the desire for revenge toward a person or a group, whether or not they deserve it.
Forgiveness does not mean excusing what happened, approving of it, or forgetting it. It also doesn’t mean you have to reconcile or let someone back into your life, especially someone who harmed you. Forgiveness means you have decided that your health, your peace, and your future matter more than the grip that pain has on you.
Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard
Some wounds go deep, and there is no shame in finding forgiveness difficult. It can be especially hard when the pain comes from:
• Past trauma
• Secrets and lies that came to light
• Verbal abuse
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Domestic violence
• Infidelity and betrayal
The Benefit vs. the Cost
The benefit of forgiveness is simple: better health, more peace, and the freedom to move forward.
The cost of unforgiveness is high: lost time, stress, illness, depression, and staying stuck in the same place while life keeps moving.
Step 1: Be Honest About Your Pain
You can’t heal what you won’t name. Get specific with yourself and write it down:
• Who are you struggling to forgive?
• What exactly happened, and what issues did it leave you with?
• When did it happen?
• Where did it happen, and how long ago?
• Why or how did it happen?
Step 2: Acknowledge and Own Your Feelings
Every feeling you have is valid. Own each and every one of them, then work through them one at a time so you can heal and truly move on.
• Only you know exactly how you feel and what you need to feel whole.
• Be the expert on you, and communicate your needs clearly.
Step 3: Forgive Yourself
The bottom line is this: forgiveness is always for you. It is about your health and wellness.
• Recognize the price of unforgiveness and how stress affects your mental and physical health.
• Own your health: keep up with your checkups and wellness exams.
• Ask for help. Counseling, therapy, pastoral counseling, and your employer’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) are all great places to start. If you are ever in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.) any time, day or night.
Step 4: Be Your Own Superhero
No one is coming to rescue you. You have the power to rescue yourself!
• Do the work it takes to heal.
• Ask yourself the hard questions.
• Look for the blessing or the lesson. There is always one, and you owe it to yourself to find it.
Step 5: Practice Compassion
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Empathy doesn’t excuse what they did, but it can help you understand it, and understanding loosens the hold that bitterness has on your heart.
Step 6: Let Love Back In
Open your heart again. As long as we are blessed to be six feet up, we can always start again!
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Forgiveness often goes hand in hand with taking an honest look at our relationships.
Healthy relationships have:
1 Quality time together that’s treated as a priority
2 Acceptance
3 Healthy boundaries
4 Respect
5 Trust
6 Integrity
7 Forgiveness
8 Room for individuality
9 Compassion and empathy
10 An understanding of each other’s love language
11 Open, honest communication
Unhealthy relationships tend to struggle with:
1 Lack of trust
2 Jealousy
3 Lack of respect
4 Domestic violence
5 Physical, verbal, or sexual abuse
6 Cheating
7 Little support with shared responsibilities like chores, children, and bills
8 Feeling lonely even while in the relationship
9 Nothing to look forward to together
10 Little consideration for each other’s needs and wants
If you are in a relationship where you feel unsafe, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
You Can Always Start Over: New Beginnings
Wherever you are today, it is not too late for a fresh start.
Step 7: Take the Challenge
• Set healthy boundaries.
• Communicate clearly and honestly.
• Listen to your body.
• Own your health, and be unapologetic about it!
Step 8: Clear Out the Negativity
Let go of negative people, places, and things that keep pulling you backward, even relatives or close friends if that’s what your healing requires. Protecting your peace is not selfish; it’s necessary.
Step 9: Be a Healer and Speak Life
Once you have started your own healing, help someone else along the way.
• Build people up: Cheer them on.
• Lift people up: Speak life and be an encourager.
• Comfort those who are grieving, whatever loss or season they are going through. Remind them their story isn’t over and a new chapter is beginning. Share how the Lord can turn any situation around. Trust the Word, not your current circumstances, and let it grow your faith.
Let Your Light Shine
Let Jesus’s Spirit live in you and guide every step you take. Forgiveness is a choice, and so is greatness. Choose both!
Sharon Rowe, M.S. Facebook: Sharon Rowe Instagram: @Sharonrowe5129 X (Twitter): @born2bgreat2 Blog: greatnessisachoice.com
